Stunning Announcement

Reaching the lowest point in his three-and-a-half year ex-Presidency, Bill Clinton announced today that he is not running for office in the 2004 election. "I shall not seek, nor will I accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President," Clinton stated somberly to a shocked dinner audience at the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC.

Acknowledging that since January 20, 2001, he has not implemented any successful policies to combat terrorism, reinvigorate the stagnant US economy, or address America's energy needs, Clinton said that his record of the past few years would not offer a compelling platform upon which to run. "I just haven't used my position the way I could have." After pausing to bite his lip he continued, "using the bully pulpit of the ex-Presidency, I should've tried harder to work with Congress to get meaningful legislation passed that would protect our economy, our environment, our energy independence and most importantly, our people."

Most pundits agree that Mr. Clinton's failures would negatively impact any chances he might have in November, so it is a wise political move to withdraw from the race now. Bob Novak notes, "Mr. Clinton is responsible for the 9/11 attacks, the dismal job market, and rising gas prices. How could he possibly hope to win with all that counting against him?" Consitutional scholar William Safire has a slightly different take, observing that "the 22nd Amendment might have something to do with Clinton's decision. But really, it's clear he's taking the fall now so his wife can run in 2008."

The White House had no immediate comment, but a senior Bush administration official, on condition of anonymity, exclaimed, "This is great. We've been campaigning against both Clinton and Kerry for a long time. Now that Big Dog is out of the race, we can focus solely on that Massachusetts liberal."  ¶ 10:25 AM