Mother Teresa has just been beatified, to the acclaim of liberals across the planet. Yet this heroine of do-gooders everywhere did nothing more than provide poor people a place to die. The time has come to honor someone who stands not for the passive self-sacrifice of "old Europe", but the proactive "tough love" described by Nietzsche: "The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance."
Who better to embody this attitude than the compassionate conservative who is leading the new crusade against the heathen infidels and bleeding-heart big spenders? Let's begin now the process to beatify, then canonize, a new American Saint George -- George W. Bush. Those who object that Bush is not eligible for sainthood are thinking like the appeasers of the United [sic] Nations, paralyzed by archaic rules, like "no preemptory wars".
There's an obvious crack about "cannonizing" somewhere, but with USA PATRIOT hanging over us, I'll leave the joke to your imaginations. Those are still presumably secure.