Dohiyi Mir
    In Which NTodd Says His Peace

Friday, August 08, 2003
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Schwarzenegger Headed For Iraq

Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger flips off Iraqis crowding his car after announcing his bid to head the Coalition Provisional Authority in the likely event Viceroy L. Paul Bremer III is recalled.

In a move that has taken many by surprise, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he no longer is running to replace California Governor Gray Davis. "Due to a misunderstanding of my announcement on Leno, the news media has erroneously been reporting that I want to lead California," he said. "What I said was I want to lead Iraq, which is roughly the size of California." Iraq, as we are constantly reminded, is roughly the size of California, making it a perfect fit for an action star from our most populous state.

That is not good news for the current Viceroy of Iraq, L. Paul Bremer III. Bremer, who is holed up in the heavily fortified palace of former friend of the US, Saddam Hussein, had no immediate comment. An anonymous CPA official observed that the Authority is making great strides in Iraq, saying "Why, just the other day we issued a new postage stamp with the fat Elvis portrait." The official went on to note that the continued lack of electricity, clean water and health services might pose a problem for Mr. Bremer's bid to remain in power, but he was pretty sure the Iraqis would be happy to have him as ruler, now that they are "liberated and everything".

Schwarzenegger, meanwhile, has begun campaigning in earnest. Saying he's "a uniter, not a divider", the actor proclaimed that he will eventually have policy positions on just about everything that's important to Iraqis, including family-leave legislation, property taxes, and sex and violence in movies. When asked what he thought about Mr. Schwarzenegger's prospects of leading Iraq, President Bush said "I think he'd be a good ruler." Vacationing at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, Mr. Bush added that "he can't screw things up in Iraq any worse than my current team has."

The actor's campaign staff agrees. "I think that Arnie's lack of a specific plan for the occupation of Iraq shows that he understands the situation is fluid, and all it requires is a little pixie dust and everything will be just fabulous in the final reel," said campaign director George Butler. Industry insiders also note that Mr. Schwarzenegger can bring in highly-skilled special effects teams that can easily make Iraq appear to be secure and free with state-of-the-art computer generated graphics techniques. "That's his edge [over Bremer]," Butler said. "You just need to make it realistic enough so the Iraqi and American publics suspend their disbelief. Arnie's worked with a lot of great F/X teams over the years, and he can kick Bremer's ass in that department."

Over the next few days the actor has campaign stops planned in Tikrit, Falujah, and Baghdad. Should his bid to rule Iraq prove successful, Schwarzenegger is rumored to be planning a sequel to the critically-acclaimed box office failure, Gulf War II. "We'll just have to see if I piss off the Shia enough, first," the actor said with a wry grin.


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