Have You Seen Me?
CENTCOM has just announced a startlingly innovative new effort to catch Saddam Hussein. US military officials tell Dohiyi Mir that they are putting photos of the missing dictator, who once gassed his own people with weapons we provided him, on milk cartons all over Iraq. The digitally-altered pictures show Saddam as he might look today, based on darn good intelligence. It is hoped that since Iraqis still have no clean water, they will be drinking huge quantities of milk and thus this will be the best way to distribute the pictures. Some officials privately expressed concern that Iraqis might not want to buy milk because continued lack of electricity makes refrigeration impossible, but Viceroy L. Paul Bremer III has indicated this only helps the effort. "Not being able to keep milk for more than a few hours in the intolerable Iraqi summer heat is actually to our advantage," he said. "This will encourage the Iraqi people to drink the milk faster and buy more, which will enable us to get more pictures out to the public to ensure that we will raise the awareness level. This shows how the Coalition Provisional Authority is making great strides to improve the lives of ordinary Iraqis."
Mr. Bremer also noted the CPA has taken a page from CENTCOM's playbook and plans to inform the Iraqi public of official directives using the milk carton mechanism. He observed, "If we'd had this method available to us back in June, it would have been a lot easier to get word out when I issued Order 14 on Prohibited Media Activity." Discussions are also underway in the newly appointed Governing Council regarding the use of milk cartons to present a new Iraqi constitution for ratification, should one ever be drafted. The current president of the Council, Ibrahim Jafari, who will preside over the body from noon today until 3PM, when a new election for the rotating presidency will be held, promised that once the Council hashes out exactly what the background of the new Iraqi flag will look like, they will "get right on the constitution thing."
[Update: Made the text wrap around the pic. That's it.]