Ail Canard Fan Bed
President Bush unveiled his "Healthy Business Initiative" today at a $2000 a cup teaparty fundraiser in California. The bold plan encourages companies to "thin" their workforce, much like wise forest management. By laying off less-healthy people, the overall employee population is expected to be much healthier.
According to a study conducted by the non-partisan group, Americans for Healthy Business (see scientific-looking graph, right), the handful of American workers who are still actually employed somewhere is "substantially healthier than it was during the previous administration". In an interview after the announcement, AHB president Paul O'Neil remarked, "we have clear data showing that as the number of workers in the United States drops, the overall health of the remaining employees has increased dramatically." The data also shows that as each employee takes on additional work with no pay increase, their health eventually deteriorates. "Then they would be laid off, and overall employee health would rise again," O'Neil said.
On the basis of such solid research, the President is putting a great amount of political pressure on Congress to pass his initiative by Monday of next week. Sen. Tom Daschle (Spineless - S. Dakota) indicated he would "allow the President to run roughshod over us. In fact, we won't even ask to be given time to read the bill." Some members of the minority have privately grumbled about parliamentary procedure and having adequate debate, which the president observed was "just politics." "Those who oppose my plan are objectively pro-sickness," Bush declared. With the bill expected to pass with an overwhelming majority, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was up 15% just before the closing bell.