Dohiyi Mir
    In Which NTodd Says His Peace

Monday, December 22, 2003
Go to the new DM blog.

Al Qaeda Strikes CA

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge revealed today that the international terrorist organization, al Qaeda, has acquired a secret seismic weapon called Project Destiny. A day after Mr Ridge announced the US terror alert level had been raised to Orange, al Qaeda apparently has struck with this terrible new weapon, unleashing a magnitude 6.5 earthquake in central California*.

Speaking to reporters about the stunning development, President Bush cautioned people to not panic. "Everything is under control, and we're...uh, Secretary Ridge has my full confidence, my full expectation that he will prevent future attacks of this kind, of this nature." When asked about the threat that al Qaeda could stop the earth's inner core from rotating, thus causing the electromagnetic field to collapse and rendering most of our military technology useless, Mr Bush said, "They can do that?"

The Defense Department had apparently speculated about this very potential. A memo from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld that was leaked to the press indicated that many in Pentagon saw this as an opportunity to develop special nuclear devices that would penetrate to the center of the earth and detonate, presumably reactivating the core and saving the world from total destruction. Mr Rumsfeld declined to comment on the memo, but a senior DoD official did say that not only has the military budgeted for developing this new brand of nukes, but it also is working on an American version of the seismic weapon, code named Project Big One.

In response to today's attack, Secretary Ridge raised the terror alert level to Blood Red and asked that Americans continue to go about their holiday shopping. "I think it's very, very important to send a message to the terrorists of goodwill and resolve," Ridge said.


* Sorry for making light of the quake, but I couldn't resist tackling the coincidence. I hope the initial reports of minimal damage and injuries hold true. Be well.

[Update: added a couple links, and the Ridge quote at the end.]

[Another update: looks like 2 people were killed by the quake. My sincere condolences.] 

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A non-violent, counter-dominant, left-liberal, possibly charismatic, quasi anarcho-libertarian Quaker's take on politics, volleyball, and other esoterica.

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